Miss Hart suggested I start a diary, after my adoptive parents got killed
by a runaway thresher. Easy for her to say. This is my third set of parents! My name is Betsy Ann Fulbright. My true parents
got killed when a meteor smashed into their car. After a while I was adopted by the Turners, but they only wanted a child
before they both died of some tropical disease that they’d got when exploring the Amazon. The Fulbrights were farmers,
but not very careful. So here I am at Midvale Orphanage. Again.
A new girl arrived today. Linda Lee. Miss Hart hates her! She gave her
the cruddy attic room that hasn’t been used for ages. Lyddia Leston was in there before, and she was adopted by this
millionaire. Strange that a single man can adopt a pert 15 year old like Lyddia. Miss Hart celebrated by buying herself a
pearl necklace and a brand new Chevvy when Lyddia was adopted. Maybe we should call it the LL room? Linda has a very strange
Feb 28th; Miss Hart’s dyed her hair black and put on 30 pounds – I think she’s in the
family way. She was talking about childless parents today. If they’re childless, how come they’re parents? Linda
was approached by Mr and Mrs Trent, who come to the Orphanage every week. They go through kids like there was no tomorrow.
Linda hates plumbers, and wants to be adopted by a scientist. Some chance!
I think the Trents only come for the entertainment. Harry had to play the
violin, Dora sang, and Kathy danced. Miss Hart hasn’t grasped the idea that if they went onto the stage one at a time
they’d actually be able to show their talents. The Wilsons came in wanting to adopt Tommy, and were turned down for
being poor. Miss Hart smirked at that, I’ll tell ya. Then they suddenly had a cave in on their land and could see the
leaning tower of Pisa!. That wiped the smile off Miss Hart’s face. Apparently she’d promised a lumberjack community
that Tommy’s tush was theirs!
Mar 18th; Linda Lee is weird! She spends
half her time just looking into the far distance, and I could swear her hair moves just a fraction after her head. Maybe she’s
bald!. She must be paying Miss Hart to keep THAT a secret.
Mar 19th; Linda Lee’s adopted. That’s quick. Miss Hart was talking about a ‘cut’
to Linda’s new parents, so maybe she’s warming them up to the idea that Linda’s bald. Who’d want to
adopt a bald girl?
Linda Lee’s back. DAMN. That means I’ll have to give her room
back. The Dales lost all their money. Glad to see I’m not the only one who can’t keep parents. Miss Hart was pissed!
April 25th; Aliens have adopted Kathy and Dora. It was pretty spooky, and I’m surprised Miss Hart
was so obliging. Linda Lee blanched when she came back from the woods, and muttered something about telling her cousin, which
is weird because Superman said her whole community was destroyed. I think Linda has relatives, they just can’t cope
with a bald girl with a weird accent.
There was a fire in the girls’ house. Linda put it out, but managed
to keep the place incredibly tidy. There was no water anywhere. Miss Hart ripped up her insurance claim in disgust. She’s
so quick with her paperwork, I admire her.
June 9th; Dear Diary, you’ll never guess what happened today! I found a huge diamond. Miss Hart
had been moaning that there’s no coal, and thinks that Linda’s having fires up in that attic room. She sent me
up to find out, and I found a diamond in the grate. I’ve hidden it in my secret box. I also sneaked a peek at Linda’s
diary but she writes in a foreign language. I knew she wasn’t American!
Linda came back from the woods smelling of fish, and looking all gooey.
She’s got a boyfriend.
July 4th; Independence Day, and you won’t believe this but Linda Lee’s gone missing! She’s
taken no clothes and it’s ALL VERY PECULIAR! I think she’s run off with that boyfriend. Miss Hart bought a box
of fireworks to celebrate!!!
July 11th; Linda’s back. She was lost in Dismal Swamp, so she says, but those smears of mud don’t
fool me. She ran off with her boyfriend, and then he dumped her.
July 12th: Dear Diary, Linda smells of fish again, and had a few fish
scales on her legs. It must be the Fishmonger’s son that she’s meeting in the woods, although why her legs get
salt marks on them I haven’t figured out yet. So what was she doing in Dismal Swamp?
Aug 5th; Miss Hart let the babies in the nursery play with plastic bags until Nurse found her.
Sep 1st; Wow! The cutest boy has just been brought in. He’s a real dish. Linda’s got her
eyes on him. Fish-boy’s not enough for that nimfomaniac.
Sep 2nd; Another fire! This time Vera nearly fried, but Johnny Cutepants saved her. LL was also there.
He is so cute even though he can’t speak English. Linda’s going to teach him. I just hope he doesn’t pick
up her accent.
Started a petition to get the Orphanage rewired. Miss Hart hit me real
hard, and shoved me into the laboratory that we have. To spite her I played with the raydium.
Sep5th; The Trents were back again. Obviously they’d heard about the new orphan. I think they’re
Sep 6th.; What a weird week. Not only does the cutest orphan in town disappear after getting his memory
back, but Linda Lee spent the day wandering around like a zombie, and whirring. I think she’s taken one of those personal
health massagers that Miss Hart has. Linda’s for the high jump if she’s swiped one of those!!!!
Oct 12th; Dear Diary, the Circus is in town again. That means at least another three adoptions. Kenny’s
learnt to breathe fire, Jane can ride a pony standing on her head (literally) and Bradley is regularly putting his head into
the mouths of lions. The Zoo has been complaining. I think Linda taught him that trick.
; I was so right. All three have been adopted by the Bearded Lady and her
husband Tom Thumb. Miss Hart has a real sick idea of adoption. I think Linda’s got the right idea, although dressing
up really scruffy didn’t work with that policeman and his wife. Their own little girl died in the line of fire. Folks
in town say they were using her as a human shield.
Nov 15th; The place is quiet. The older kids have been sent
out on “job training” to earn money. Bumped into Miss Hart, who was checking the wiring in the main orphanage.
She looked really guilty. Oh and Linda Lee came back. Not keen on target practice, I guess!
; Diary! Good News and Bad News.
The bad news is that the Orphanage burnt down last night. Weird how these things happen when Linda’s around.
But bizarrely, the whole Orphanage was rebuilt by this morning. The wiring’s still dodgy ( I checked) and we’ve
still got raydium in the laboratory as well as green kryptonite in a lead box. I think Superman must have been passing and
took the opportunity to do some good and to hide the green K from villains. I’ll leave it where it is. I think Linda
is a piromaniac.
Nov 30th ; The older kids are back. Linda wrote an article for the Daily Planet (Yawnsville), but Billy
Watkins has had S-E-X with a 40 year old woman, and Bob Carter was a messboy in a Lumber camp. He said he’d never seen
so many spunk filled men. He meant spunky, though what’s so brave about felling trees I don’t know. I think he
met a girl up there ‘cos he had the same look Linda Lee has when she smells of “Fish-Boy”.
Dec 31st; Dear Diary, here are my new year’s resolutions;
1) Grow some new hair!
Mine’s falling out in lumps.
2) Find a new talent.
Miss Hart says that if I learn the Dance of the Seven Veils, she could guarantee adoption. And I’d have the stage to
myself, with just one set of parents viewing rather than the huge gathering. And it won’t be the Trents. Linda says she’ll help with my costume. I think Linda’s read my diary,
as there have been no more fires.
3) Ask the Fishmonger’s
son some discreet questions about LL
4) Figure out why
Linda stands in a hollow tree for hours.
5) Lock my dresses
up. Bob Carter’s started sneaking them out and putting them on.